#3 Afraid To Love

     When we learned about Noah's Heart, there were a lot of emotions.  One emotion was being afraid.  Afraid of what might happen if something goes terribly wrong.  The survival rates for Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome or HLHS are unsettling and because "palliative surgeries" are somewhat new, the long term prognosis is a bit uncertain.  As a person who likes control and predictability, my emotion of being afraid has at times been very uncontrolled.  

     As many of you know from the previous post Lead Me, Jana and I met Matt Hammitt ironically the same day as our first cardiology appointment and fetal echocardiogram (ultrasound of baby's heart in the womb).  Leading up to the delivery of their son who also was born with the rare HLHS condition, Matt wrote his song All of Me.  Like Matt, I was afraid to love "something that could break" and also wondered how I could move on if I outlived my own child.  I also have a feeling of being so close to something I can't control.  Where do I turn when the anxiety of something I can't control is getting the best of me?   1.) God  2.) Running  (ok, there are others- like the people that mean the most to me... but putting these two here just seemed to concisely fit with the name of this website)

     I find many parallels between faith and running.  One example is that both are great forms of meditation.  It was during several runs where I had "conversations with God" about my emotion of being afraid. I feel very inferior in my ability to quote scripture and so at this time I don't have any specific references about children being a divine gift no matter what (maybe you do?), but I do take solace in that my relationship with Christ and that I am a child of God and so is Noah. I feel deeply that all children are gifts from the Lord and we are called, especially as parents, to love them.  As with the lyrics of Matt's song, for Noah, I'm dedicated to showing him all my love "even it's not enough to mend our broken hearts."  


Noah's crib
Noah's crib
     In the spirit of showing love and having faith over fear, Jana and I are trying to achieve some normalcy.  In your own way, I'm sure you are trying to accomplish a similar balance as we all try to "get back to a normal" during COVID-19.  Being very close to Noah's arrival date, we are looking forward to our gift from God by doing the necessary planing and trying our best to maintain the normal pre-baby rituals. Usual traditions, like setting up a room for a new baby is what our weekends and "quarantine time" has consisted of lately!


Noahs Heart
Maybe its more of a "Mountain/Woodland/Zoo" theme?
Jana and I found some peace and rejuvenated excitement as we look forward to our son's arrival.  The crib is up with a mixed "woodland" and "zoo" theme.  Despite many things we can't control, we are ready!! 

The scripture above Noah's dresser is Jeremiah 29:11 which says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

                                                                                                           
What is something you have done to overcome a fear?  If you want to hear Matt Hammit's song, click below. 

Comments

  1. Great writing. I am encouraged by your blog and your story.
    *Beautiful song. Wonderful that he allowed you to include this. Lori L. Fremont Oh

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