#13 A Mom's letter to her little girl (Juliana Part 2)

This is the first guest post... "Juliana Part 2".  Part 1 here.  This post is written by my wife, Jana (Post #4 The One I Love) as letter to our daughter.  The Cross Runner's Heart journey is about #faith #family and #running.  I hope you find meaningful ways to relate to our posts and are inspired to deepen your relationships, dive into a fitness goal, or do something else amazing!  


Juli Girl, 

Growing up, I never really had an urgent desire to be a mom. I knew that one day, it would probably hit me, and therefore I wasn't in as much of a rush as most people my age. As life goes, things happen when they happen, and the day came when I had you. I was 29. You see, I had prayed to find the husband that I would build a life with, and when I did, it wasn’t long before you came along. Jeremy provided the peace of mind and confidence that had been the missing link for me to feel "ready". 

The day you came into the world was the day that changed my life forever. When we first brought you home, I went into full-on panic mode. I'm pretty sure Jeremy was terrified of this new version of his wife. How on earth did they even let us bring you home from the hospital?  Until that moment, I had never even changed a diaper, babysat, or even held a newborn. Your nursery may have been meticulously organized, full of all the best blankets, bottles, clothes and all things baby---but I had no idea how to even swaddle you. Your dad was about as clueless as I was. He may have been able to deliver a baby, but forget knowing how to take care of one. We didn't have a lot of family to help--so it was just us, braving an extremely colicky baby night after sleepless night---and trying not lose it with each other. At first, I felt inadequate as a mother that I couldn't figure out how to soothe you. After six long and arduous months of learning to be parents, breastfeeding, and embracing our new roles, we started to get our groove back and you FINALLY slept more than 3 hours at a time!!  Those first few months taught me a tough lesson on resiliency and reminded me that the events that happen in your life don't just automatically cause you to be a certain person. The 20-something year old now home with a baby, wasn't quite a mom yet per say. She was just a young wife trying to keep her baby alive until the next day. When I gave myself some grace and allowed myself to fall in love with all the joys and trials you gave me, was when I really started to grow as a mother. We have to grow into our new responsibilities, roles, and the people we hope to be. Growth requires a lot of trial/error, effort and patience. My benchmark would no longer be measured by how you (or more notably, my parenting), stacked up against all the examples around me...but by the giggles, kisses, and achievements we shared. Thankfully, we have a God that gives us all the grace needed to forge forward. Juli-  how lucky am I to experience something so great-- something I never even knew I wanted? Something I never even knew I needed. That’s the thing about God. He always gives us what we need. It’s not about wants. What a miraculous gift giver He is.

My little love, I have cherished every moment with you, but it has been painful and exciting to see the time pass and to see you grow into the beautiful person you’re meant to be. Painful because I want to freeze time and memorize your speech, your tiny fingers, and tiny toes. I want to remember your funny faces, your laugh, and your love for life. Painful because I want the moments of you crying out for me to last forever. Painful because I know this time is too precious. I want time to slow down so that we can hold on to these cherished days forever. But it’s also been very exciting, too. Exciting to see you roll over, sit up, then stand. Exciting to see you talk, walk, then run. Exciting to see you meet new friends and watch you \sprint down the driveway to meet your dad at the end of the work day. Exciting to see you eat ice cream and dance in the middle of our kitchen as we joyfully praise and cheer you on. Exciting to see you want to read and learn and play and love. Most of all, I have been so happy to see you take on the role of a big sister like you were born to do it. I know Noah will always have a best friend in you. 

I want you to know something. God knew I needed you to come first to help mold me into the mommy I always needed to be. You did that. You gave me the gift of confidence to take care of Noah. Without you, I would be so lost right now. From the sleepless nights when you were an infant, to the times I couldn't take my eyes off of you when you finally went to sleep. From the time I first heard your little laugh to the time when we were both rolling on the floor in fits of laughter. I have loved you deeper than the depths of the ocean. I have prayed more than I ever even knew how to pray. You did that. Being a mom to you has been the greatest joy of my life. Know that I will love you forever, and be there for you always. There might be times when I can't physically hold you, but know that Jesus can. You'll grow up one day, and I'll need to have the strength to let you go. You are not the daughter I expected, you are so much more. You are my million colors of wonderful-precious in every way, the joy in my soul, and the love of my life.  Thank you for  being patient with me as I tried to figure out this mommy role. We have been in this together from the start, and I promise to continue to fiercely raise you up to be the woman God intends you to be. 

Mommy



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